Xena’s Punchlines

 

– What is the truth, Xena?
Xena: – It’s that life is a joke (…) And you know what the punch line is? The punch line is, that no matter what we do, we still end up as food for the worms.

Xena wasn’t the most talkative hero we know, but if she said something it was either heartfelt and emotional or wicked and unfiltered, always raw and straight to the point. Here are some of the most memorable and funny Xena: Warrior Princess quotes.

Xena and Hercules
Xena and Hercules

Xena’s bits of advice

 

Xena: – All right, the rules of survival:

  1. If you can run, run.
  2. If you can’t run, surrender, then run.
  3. If you’re outnumbered, let them fight each other while you run.

Gabrielle: – Wait…more running?
Xena: – No, four is where you talk your way out of it, and I know you can do that. (probably the most reasonable advice if you’re against someone like Xena)
~
Xena: – Don’t be sorry, just improve. (That’s what I call a good motivational speech)
~
Xena: –  I don’t know if you people pray to the gods, but if you don’t, now would be a good time to start. (Every student’s thought before the exams)

 

Xena’s best come-backs and threats

 
Joxer: – I figured I’d find you guys here. The trail was too easy to follow. Any idiot could find you.
Xena: – Evidently.
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Pompey: – So why do they call you the ‘Warrior Princess’?
Xena: – Because ‘Caesar’ was taken.
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Caesar: – Yes, an old friend, enemy, friend. I forget where we left off.
Xena: – We weren’t on speaking terms.
~
Athena: – It’s true you can kill Gods but at 4 to 1, it’s not great odds.
Xena: – Not for you.
~
Prince Morlock: – I don’t usually do this, but I’d like to know your name before I kill you.
Xena: – You first.
Prince Morlock: – I’m Prince Chesnick Bloodicarr Morlock, Upper Scheherazadestan.
Xena: – Xena of Amphipolis – Warrior Princess, Warrior Mom – who conquers Prince Chesty Forlock of Whatever-stan.
~
Gabrielle: – Some people say that an unexamined life is not worth living.
Xena: – Those people haven’t led my life. (Xena the Philosopher)
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Xena: – No, no, yes, no. I tried that. Yes, both ways. No, I don’t know. No, again. Are there any more questions? Good. (Xena the Psychic)
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Xena: – I have many skills. (Xena’s catchphrase. Gets only funnier over time)
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Xena: – I am pregnant, not brain damaged
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Gabrielle: – I did all that? And they call you the hero?
Xena: – You wanna switch? Fine. You kick butt and I’ll take notes.
~
Joxer: – Hey, wait a minute. Those villagers hired me, and only Joxer the Mighty is going to stop the Scythians.
Xena: – Joxer, I once knew a warrior who tried to stop them. They buried him in Sparta, Athens, and Carthage.
Joxer: – What do you mean?
Xena: – They buried him in Sparta … Athens … and Carthage … think about it, Joxer.
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Xena: – Go home, there are thousands more like me. (Just give up already)
~
Xena: – Give me that hat.
Rafe: (in a sing-song voice) – What do you say?
Xena: – Or else. (When someone pretends they didn’t hear you. Try this first if you’re too lazy to take out your sword…)
~
Xena: – Were you trying to kill yourself or are you just new at this? (That’s what people say about me trying to cook)
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Xena: – If I have to listen to you two blabber anymore, somebody’s going to end up seriously dead. (Works so much better than simple “shut up!” Coming from Xena’s lips it has a certain threat hanging over the head for the rest of your life)
~
When Callisto, one of the bitchiest and lethal Xena’s enemies returns:
Callisto: – I’ve missed you, Xena.
Xena: – You never wrote. (even sarcasm doesn’t work on Xena)

callisto
Callisto

Xena: – You’re wrong Callisto. You let your pain kill you years ago. I’m gonna live with mine.
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Callisto: – Right, she burns my family, destroys my life and I end up in Hell while she gets another shot. That’s fair.(Illusion) Xena: – Gotta love the irony.
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Xena: – It ain’t over until it’s over. (If Xena was born in the 21st century, that’s how she would answer to her employees who wanted to end their shift a bit earlier…)
~
Gabrielle: – Sirens? Their song is said to call all men who hear it to the death on the rocks of the island.
Xena: – All men. I’m not a man.
 

Xena versus Religion

 
Xena: – I’m just an angry, ass-kicking…
Krishna:  – …warrior.
Xena: – Yes, a warrior.
Krishna: – You say that with disgust.
Xena: – Well, it doesn’t rank up there with the saints, does it?
~
Xena: – It’s easy to preach peace when you live in heaven.
~
Najara: – Would you like to join our mission?
Xena: – What’s your mission.
Najara: – To fight Evil wherever we find it.
Xena: – Can you be a little more specific? (When you hate abstract idealistic bullshit people love to preach)
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Najara: – The Light will triumph, Xena.
Xena: – Quit preaching and fight! (Or ‘get up’, ‘move’, ‘work’, ‘get naked’, ‘dig’…)
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Najara: – I’ve changed, Xena. I put down the sword.
Xena: – And I’m the Queen of Egypt. (Actually, Xena pretended to be Cleopatra in one of the episodes)
~
Xena: – New outfit. New religion. Same old wacko underneath.

 

There’s something about Xena and Gabrielle…

 

Gabrielle: – I fell down a hole.
Xena: – Yeah. What is it with you and holes huh?
~
Gabrielle: – Xena, this was our only frying pan! Why do you do that? You do have weapons, don’t you?
Xena: – I like to be creative in a fight. It gets my juices going.
Gabrielle: – Can we cook with your juices? (aww… what a sweet family quarrel)

 

Xena and Gabrielle
Xena and Gabrielle.

 

Draco: – Give me the girls and Gabrielle. Or I will burn the place and everyone inside it. 
Xena: – You would kill the woman you love?
Draco: – The question is: would you? (that’s what I call BUUURN)
~
Ares: (sees pregnant Xena) – I never knew you were looking for a father.
Xena: – I’m not.
Ares: – Well then someone clearly has the job.
Xena: – Yeah, Gabrielle. (Gabrielle smirks)
Ares: – I would have paid to see that.
~
Gabrielle: – I love you, Xena. How am I supposed to go on without you? 
Xena: – I’ll always be with you, Gabrielle. Always. (The story and even the lines repeat itself after more than 15 years in The 100 when Clarke tells Lexa she loves her and Lexa runs off to meet her death after uttering the same “I’ll always be with you”… Why be creative if you can just copy?)

 

Xena the Warrior

 

Xena: – I’m just a girl in search of a really good sword.
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Xena: – Mother, I am a lunatic with lethal combat skills.
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Xena: – Kill them all! (Xena being Spartacus almost 15 years before Spartacus)
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Gabrielle:  …kill them all.
Xena: – Yeah, that’s what I said.
Gabrielle: – That was obviously your answer to everything in those days Xena.
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Gabrielle: – Come on Xena, not even you can stop an entire war. All right, look, I did not mean that as a challenge!
Xena: – Stay here with Ephany.
Gabrielle: – What are you going to do?
Xena: – I’m going to find a safe place for Ephany to have her baby, and then I’m going to stop this war.
Gabrielle: – I’ve got to learn to keep my mouth shut.
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Gabrielle: – Stopping an army, isn’t that something you try 300 times before you do it? (not if you’re Xena)
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Xena: – How many campfires?
Gabrielle: – 30 or 40.
Xena: – 10 men or so per fire. That’s good. For a minute there, I thought we were in trouble. (sounds like she’s about to say: – Too easy, let’s go for a drink Gabrielle)
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Xena: –  I hate the dead … you can’t take vengeance on them.
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Gabrielle: – When I’m that age I hope I’m knitting socks.
Xena: – Don’t worry about it. People in our line of work never get to be that age.
Gabrielle: – That’s a comforting thought.
~
Palm Reader: – No. There’s danger, great danger … and death.
Gabrielle: – Did you hear that? She just described every day of our lives.

 

Sexual Innuendos

 

Xena: – Don’t be shy, your mother wasn’t. (Xena’s pick-up line)
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Gabrielle: (in reference to a particularly racy fresco) – That’s not humanly possible.
Xena: – Sure it is. (many skills, we know…)
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Xena: – Why does this always happen?
Gabrielle: – It’s the blue eyes, the leather, some guys just love leather.
Xena: – I think a wardrobe change is in order.
Gabrielle: – You could wear chainmail.
Xena: – Yeah, but I think that’d just attract a kinkier group.
Gabrielle: – You’re probably right.
Xena: – On the other hand, I could just stop bathing and wear a smelly wolf skin. That’d turn ‘em off.
Gabrielle: – That’s true. Of course, you’d also be traveling alone.
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Ares: – Leather – mention the leather.
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Gabrielle: – Maybe you can kick him around a little bit.
Xena: – Yeah, but he might like it.
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(Goddess of) Discord: – You’re telling me your horse killed her?
Xena: – In self-defense.
Autolycus: – You gotta admit, fits like a Trojan glove.
Discord: – But I can’t take back a horse. I don’t do animals.
Minya: – That’s not what I heard.
~
Xena to Gabrielle: – Remind me to talk to you sometime about your taste in men. (Not about women – apparently, that taste is perfect)
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Mac: – Xena, um…you know…uh…you and Ares…uh…did you…um…ever…you know…well…
Xena: – Get a life, pervert.
~
Gabrielle: – So Miss Known World is a man?
Xena: – Yep.
Gabrielle: – That’s kind of funny, huh?
Xena: – Why? Beauty is beauty. (It was shown in late 90’s, but she’s still ahead of us)

 

To summarise, there’s one quote from Xena: Warrior Princess which says it all. Ares (late actor Kevin Smith): – Sometimes the best man for the job is a woman.

lucy lawless
Lucy Lawless as Xena in Xena: Warrior Princess. Season 6. Hands Up.

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